JUSTIN BIEBER’S ‘BABY’ IS HIGHEST-CERTIFIED SINGLE IN HISTORY, BUT HIS MONKEY IS NO LONGER HIS

There is good news and bad news for Justin Bieber regarding his hit song ‘Baby’ and his furry former friend, Mally the Monkey.

First, the good stuff. His signature song ‘Baby’ is now the highest-certified single in U.S. history, edging outElton John‘s 1997 ‘Candle in the Wind/Something About the Way You Look Tonight.’ ‘Baby’ has gone platinum 12 times, while John’s tracks went platinum 11 times.

However, there is an interesting twist to how this status was achieved.

In a testament to the power of millennials and the digital age, Biebs was able to overthrow John based on a Recording Industry Association of America rule change, which incorporated on-demand streaming figures with the single sales. The song sold 3.9 million copies, but the video has been viewed a whopping 857 million times on VEVO, helping it cruise past John’s 33 million-selling release.

So visibility and digital stats now account for more than ever in the music industry. Congrats, Biebs.

Now for the bad news, which finds us VERY disappointed in the singer.

Mally, the pet monkey that was seized by German customs authorities on March 28 when the Biebs failed to produce the proper paperwork (regarding vaccinations and such) required to enter the country with the simian, is now the property of the Republic of Germany.

The Biebs has forfeited. He was given a deadline to produce the paperwork and retake possession of his pet, which was cared for in a shelter in the interim. He failed to do so, and on Tuesday, May, 21, ownership was transferred to Germany.

Customs spokesman Thomas Meister said that the singer has six weeks to contest the decision, but judging from the fact that he let Mally, who is a baby at 20 weeks old, languish since March, he probably won’t do so. Tsk tsk.

“We are going to make sure that Mally can grow up appropriately for its species,” said environment minister Peter Altmaier.

The Biebs made several mistakes with Mally. First, the animal was taken from its mother way too soon. It should not have been removed from its mother’s care until it was at least a year old. Secondly, capuchin monkeys thrive in group settings, not solo ones, so Mally’s development certainly has been interrupted.

Thankfully, Germany will see to it that Mally gets what he needs. “Monkeys are very sociable animals,” Altmaier said. “That’s why we’re going to take Mally to a place where he can live safely and in the company of others.”

Germany’s Federal Agency for Nature Conservation revealed that Mally will be sent to a German zoo, but declined to say which to prevent security breaches. They don’t need Beliebers bugging the poor creature; he’s been through enough.

Bieber will be billed several thousand dollars for the monkey’s care. That’s the least he can do. We know he’s a busy pop star, but he could have had someone on his payroll to handle this situation correctly. Ditching the pet in a foreign country is pretty inconsiderate and heartless.